Guilt
by Polgaria
Summary: *COMPLETED* This is a story of a fictious ensign (Kelly O'Malley) who discovers that she suffers from clinical depression. Kathryn Janeway helps her through trying times as the young woman struggles through painful and frightening instances
1. The Confession

=/\= Mini-Prologue =/\=  
Kelly O'Malley had been on Voyager for over ten months now. She was a young ensign, fresh out of the academy, and had been chosen for the mission because of her depth in the knowledge of astro-physics and warp engineering.  
  
But *dammit* all if the ship hadn't gone and gotten itself lost in the Delta Quadrant!  
  
Now, almost an entire year later, Ensign O'Malley was a very young, and *very* troubled woman.  
=/\= Chapter 1 =/\=  
The crew was still jaded after their last failed attempt at returning home. The female caretaker, who had almost killed Captain Janeway and destroyed Voyager had quite obviously been no help to them, and now with almost no hope of ever getting home, the crew and the ship plodded listlessly towards their destination: the Alpha Quadrant.  
  
Captain Janeway was reclined in the captain's chair in her usual position, with one leg crossed casually over the other. Nothing terribly interesting was going on and although the view screen showed no signs of trouble, the Captain felt a slight unease that had no obvious origin.  
  
Then, like an augurous interruption, Lieutenant Torres' voice came over the com-badge.  
  
"Captain, I've got a slight problem down here," B'elanna stated in troubled tones.  
  
"What is it Lieutenant?" queried the Captain and she shot a worried glance at her second in command, Chakotay.  
  
"Uh- I think you should come down here and see it for yourself."  
  
Torres sounded a little nervous and that timorousness made Janeway's skin crawl. She rose hastily from her seat and made her way toward the turbo- lift.  
  
"Commander, you have the bridge."  
  
Chakotay nodded smartly and gave the Captain a small smile of reassurance. If B'elanna wasn't hurling spare conduits around Engineering yet, the emergency was not likely as serious as the Captain was making it out to be.  
  
=/\= =/\= =/\= =/\= =/\= =/\= =/\= =/\= =/\= =/\= =/\= =/\= =/\= =/\= =/\= =/\= =/\= =/\= =/\= =/\=  
  
Kathryn Janeway walked briskly into Engineering, cloaking her unease under a nice, thick layer of importance.  
  
"Report," she commanded efficiently as she approached Lieutenant Torres in unmasked haste.  
  
"Captain- I have a problem with one of my officers."  
  
"It isn't Carrey again, is it B'elanna?" Captain Janeway asked as she began to message the bridge of her nose in annoyance. It was going to be one of *those* days.  
  
"No Captain," replied B'elanna icily. "As a matter of fact, this is something quite different, and infinitely more important."  
  
"Please excuse that Lieutenant," murmured the Captain apologetically as she lay a small hand on B'elanna's arm. "That was rude of me. What seems to be the trouble- who is this officer?"  
  
"Ensign O'Malley Captain. She's the youngest member of the crew. She and Harry Kim went through the academy together."  
  
"Yes, I know. She's a very promising young woman." commented the Captain approvingly.  
  
"Yes," agreed B'elanna proudly. "She's one of our finest engineers."  
  
"Then what seems to be the problem B'elanna?"  
  
A half-smile quirked around the corners of the Captain's mouth as she leaned casually against the bar encircling the warp core.  
  
B'elanna leaned in closer to the Captain, indicating that she didn't want to be heard by anyone else. In a very quiet voice she said, "Have a look to your left Captain- O'Malley is over at the warp console."  
  
"Yes?" said the Captain in a confused manner. All that she saw was a young woman with startling red hair, working diligently, her green eyes focused intently on her work.  
  
"Her hands Captain." B'elanna began quietly.  
  
"Oh my God-" gasped the Captain as she comprehended B'elanna's meaning.  
  
The young woman's hands appeared to be completely armoured in scars and scrapes and claw marks.  
  
Kathryn Janeway straitened and began to walk over to the young Ensign, but B'elanna caught her arm.  
  
"Captain-no. I've already questioned her about her hands and she claims she it happened on the holodeck."  
  
"And you don't believe her B'elanna?' It was more a statement than a question.  
  
B'elanna shook her head.  
  
"No. I asked her how exactly it happened but all she could tell me was that it was an accident and even that didn't sound plausible. Then, I asked her why she didn't go to sickbay to have the Doctor tend to her hands with a dermal-regenerator. She said that the wounds were 'jus' wee little titches' and that she didn't feel it was necessary." B'elanna's manner in which she delivered her report was dubious.  
  
"Little?" Janeway squeaked.  
  
* That poor little girl looks like she's been attacked by a bear!*  
  
"I'm just repeating what she said Captain," replied B'elanna defensively.  
  
The Captain wasn't listening. She was already making her way towards the door, thinking fairly acerbic thoughts as she did so.  
  
* O'Malley is obviously lying about something- but what can I do if she doesn't choose to tell me? I can't just order her to- can I? NO- argh- Damn Starfleet and it's almighty protocols!*  
  
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As the turbo-lift deposited Kathryn Janeway on the bridge, Commander Chakotay shot his captain a questioning look. She shook her head dismissively and practically ran into her ready-room (while still attempting to maintain her dignity, of course).  
  
Once inside the safe confinement of her ready-room, though, she decided that it might be a good idea if she were to pitch a coffee cup across the room.  
  
She did so.  
  
"Right."  
  
The Captain almost had to laugh at herself. Thinking to one's self was one thing, but actually talking to one's self was a sign of slight senility.  
  
Having decided that she was definitely not senile, despite her recent soliloquy, she plunked- yes *plunked*- herself down onto her couch and proceeded to think.  
  
* Dammit- I've got to do something. Perhaps if I went to the Doctor and- no! O'Malley seems fragile now- I don't want to do anything stupid to put her over the edge. Shit!*  
  
Captain Janeway then proceeded to mutter obscenities to herself as she messaged her forehead to ward of the impending migraine.  
  
Finally, she decided that her only option was to speak with Kelly O'Malley in person. Protocols be damned.  
  
"Janeway to O'Malley."  
  
"Yes Captain," came the prompt reply.  
  
The voice slightly shimmering with Irish brogue didn't sound upset- fragile, or anything else worrisome. Kathryn wondered if perhaps there was really nothing wrong at all- that Kelly was telling the truth.  
  
But no- something odd eclipsed the Ensign's supposed explanation, and whatever that something was made Kathryn Janeway crave the second launch of another coffee cup to take place in her ready-room.  
  
Luckily (for the coffee cup, that is) the door chime to Janeway's ready- room tolled expectantly and interrupted Kathryn's mordant musings. (a/n: ahh..an alliteration attack!!!)  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"It's me ma'am- Ensign O'Malley."  
  
"Come..in."  
  
The Captain corrected her usually complacent reply and mentally kicked herself for being so cold. She was trying to help this young woman- not scare the hell out of her with unnecessary indifference.  
  
The door slide open with a whoosh of air and Kelly walked decisively towards the Captain.  
  
"You wanted to speak with me Captain?" she asked.  
  
The Captain smiled. The girl's accent caused what she had just said to come out more like 'Yeh wonted t'spake with me Cawpton?'.  
  
(a/n: keep that in mind because I REALLY don't feel like writing in Irish brogue.my computer doesn't like it.^^ woot!)  
  
"Yes." Captain Janeway smiled warmly. "Please, sit down." She gestured to a spot next to her on the couch.  
  
Kelly sat two feet away from that spot, the sterile couch causing her to sit unnaturally strait-backed. Mind you, not that the rest of the ship wasn't unnecessarily sterile, but when one is face to face with the Captain- alone- in her ready-room, Kelly sort of saw everything with a slightly blackened point of view.  
  
"What's all this about Captain- have I done something wrong?"  
  
Ensign O'Malley subconsciously sat on her hands.  
  
Kathryn saw the young woman's attempt to cover her wounds.  
  
*That tears it!*  
  
"No, not at all," she said reassuringly. "It's simply that I-" she stalled for something to say that wouldn't sound ridiculous- "it's simply that I'm concerned about you."  
  
*So much for not sounding ridiculous.*  
  
"Excuse me?" Kelly murmured in confusion.  
  
"Ensign, may I see you hands?" Captain Janeway asked gently. She'd gone and done it now, she might as well get on with it and find out what the hell had happened to the young Irish rogue sitting in front of her.  
  
A look of lucid terror flickered across Kelly's paling face, yet she didn't move.  
  
"Ensign," began the Captain curtly, "that's an order."  
  
*Oh Kathryn- what are you doing?* thought Janeway to herself as she saw the young woman's eyes, unfocused in panic.  
  
Kelly was torn between the command from her Captain and the secret that she must conceal against all costs. How could she blatantly disobey Captain Janeway? But then- how could she let the older woman know what a screw-up she really was underneath all of her intelligence?  
  
"I-I can't," she whispered as she slid even further backwards on the grey couch, away from the intimidating presence in front of her.  
  
"Why not Miss O'Malley?' coaxed the Captain a little more gently. Kelly was obviously petrified, and Kathryn Janeway would be damned if she was going to be the object of that sudden horror.  
  
But despite her soothing voice and her kindly smile, O'Malley still wouldn't speak, or move off of her hands.  
  
"I *can't*." she whimpered.  
  
Kathryn Janeway looked into Kelly's eyes, expecting to see pain, or possibly the luminescence of tears- but the dull, deadened expression that met her own, blue eyes was something that she was totally unprepared for, and in that instant, all of her protocols crumbled down around her shiny black boots and she moved closer to Kelly, putting her arm around the shaking shoulders of the little Irish sprite.  
  
"What's wrong Kelly?" Kathryn urged helplessly. "I need to know. I want to help you."  
  
Kelly was shocked just enough by the Captain's worried plea to look up into the older woman's eyes.  
  
Kathryn Janeway's brows were knit tightly together and her shining blue eyes were deep and opulent with concern.  
  
"I- I-" began Kelly uselessly, fighting against her own defective mouth to form the words that just *would not* come out.  
  
"Please- let me see your hands," Kathryn pleaded- and the compassion in her voice was terribly compelling.  
  
Trembling, Kelly removed her hands from beneath her legs and the Captain took them into her own, and gasped again as she examined the slashes and gouge anew.  
  
"Who did this to you Kelly?" Kathryn Janeway queried softly. If it was a member of her crew, they were going to spend the rest of Voyager's likely endless voyage in the brig.  
  
With that question, Kelly lost what little composure she had left and began to sob devastatingly.  
  
Janeway's heart wrenched in her breast and she resisted the instinct to hold Kelly close to her and comfort the wraith-like creature that wept so miserably.  
  
"Shush-it's alright Kelly, it's alright." soothed Kathryn in her deep, melodic voice.  
  
Kelly tried to mumble an answer through her tears. "I'm okay Captain- really." Kelly was trying very hard to sound brave, but the tears were still very obvious in her voice.  
  
"Alright then Ensign- would you like to tell me what happened to your hands, then?"  
  
Kathryn, against her heart had steeled herself and with difficulty, regained her Starfleet pomposity.  
  
Kelly O'Malley had a very obviously proud soul, and if Kathryn could just provoke the younger woman into anger, she might be able to get the truth out of her yet.  
  
And that's just what happened. Thoughts fired rapidly through Kelly's head- she wasn't just angry- she was insulted.  
  
If Captain Janeway was going to act like a ostentatious prat, then she certainly wasn't going to be stopped by any Starfleet regulations.  
  
"Wouldn't you like to know?" countered Kelly saucily, removing her hands from the Captain's view and placing them tauntingly behind her back.  
  
"Well Ensign," Janeway replied scathingly as she glared with the best if- looks-could-kill glare she could muster, "If you don't want to tell me- I suppose you can spend the rest of the voyage confined in sickbay. How does that suit you?"  
  
"You wouldn't-" Kelly hissed.  
  
"You don't think so? If you'll notice the area around my neck- you'll see four little pins there- those are called 'pips.' You, however, only have one. Isn't that *interesting*? I outrank you Ensign- you and everyone on this ship. I can do whatever I want." Kelly glared sullenly at Captain Janeway and removed her hands from behind her back.  
  
"You see these Captain?" she said as she brandished her hands and waved them mockingly in front of the Captain's face, "*I* did it! Are you happy now? Now that you know what a fuck-up I am? Are you satisfied Captain Janeway? Are you finished?"  
  
Kathryn Janeway placed a disbelieving hand to her mouth.  
  
Kelly then ceased her impudent display and lowered her eyes to her lap.  
  
*What in God's name am I* doing? *I'm going to get sacked for insubordination!*  
  
"I'm sorry Captain- I didn't mean-  
  
"No- save it Kelly. I deserved that." Now that Kathryn had gotten her way, she could afford to let the little outburst slip. She shed her guise of "I- am-a-starfleet-captain-with-too-much-confidence-in-my-own-self-importance- in-the-grand-scheme-of-the-universe."  
  
"Why did you do it Kelly?"  
  
"I'm not sure I should say- it's not important."  
  
Captain Janeway was disgusted with herself. All of the miraculous and dangerous experiences in the Delta Quadrant had jaded her- had caused her to see usual goings-on as mundane and trivial events in comparison. And now- as she awaited the next wonderful anomaly, her anticipation had blinded her. And Ensign O'Malley had just unknowingly thrown it in her face.  
  
"Kelly- the day that anything becomes more important than one of my crewmembers is the day I resign and confine myself to my quarters. Please."  
  
"Al-alright. But you have to promise that you'll not tell a soul."  
  
"You have my word Kelly. Nothing you say will leave this ready-room unless you want it to."  
  
Kelly took a deep breath and begun.  
  
"I was accepted to the academy two years ago. I fast-tracked and graduated just in time to be accepted for this mission."  
  
"How old are you Kelly?" Kathryn asked as her curiosity got the better of her.  
  
"Nineteen."  
  
The Captain blinked in surprise.  
  
"You have to understand Captain that I had no life when I was younger- I still don't really. I was the token geek at my school and it was the same at the academy. I'm smart Captain Janeway- very smart. At the moment, my intelligence is all I've got going for me."  
  
Kathryn was surprised by this young woman's obviously low opinion of herself.  
  
"Anyway- I was accepted for the mission despite my age because I was top of my class. Oh- there were other choices, but I decided on Voyager because the mission was only supposed to last three weeks. My Gran was very sick- the disease was incurable. I was supposed to be back.she used to say that I was the light in her life." Kelly paused and looked out into the blackness of space- littered with stars. She was an insignificant light. "Now that we're here, in the Delta Quadrant- and have been hear for nearly a year.I'm sure that-" Kelly's voice caught painfully and Captain Janeway took her hand. "I'm sure that she's, that she is."  
  
Kathryn felt Kelly's hand tighten painfully in her own, almost to a point where she was feeling tears prick her own eyes. But she didn't let go. Kelly need both hands to hurt herself, and Kathryn was not about to free one of them up. Not on her life.  
  
"Come here sweetheart," Captain Janeway said as she opened her arms. Kelly- against all of her inhibitions of protocol and bravery retreated into Kathryn's arms and clung to the older woman, burying her face into the Captain's uniform.  
  
"She's gone," Kelly wailed, "and it's all my fault. I should have been there with her- I should never have left! OH *MOTHER MARY OF JESUS* why did I leave?"  
  
"Oh Kelly," murmured Kathryn softly, "it isn't your fault. You couldn't have had any idea that we were going to be stranded here. And you don't know that she's dead- she could still be alive."  
  
"But I'm never going to see her again- am I?" queried Kelly as a fresh wave of tears coursed down her cheeks.  
  
Kathryn stroked Kelly's hair and lay her cheek against the top of the girl's head. "I don't know, sweetie. But I'll try to get you home as soon as I possibly can."  
  
"Thank-you Captain."  
  
"You're welcome."  
  
Captain Janeway paused and recounted what had just passed. A wave of maternal love swept over her as she held the petite Kelly in her arms.  
  
"Kelly- is this the first time you've hurt yourself?"  
  
"No, not really."  
  
"Can you tell me how you've kept it hidden from everyone?" Kathryn couldn't believe that her crew had been that negligent.  
  
"This is only the second time I've done it to my hands- I usually cut my a- arms, or legs, or stomach- anyplace where no one can see." Kelly sounded positively ashamed.  
  
"How many times Kelly?"  
  
"Too many," Kelly whispered evasively.  
  
"Once is too many times Kelly-"  
  
"At least once a day- well, once a day with lots of cuts."  
  
Kathryn reeled at the thought.  
  
"Can you show me the scars Kelly? I don't want to seem meddlesome, but I don't understand how much you've hurt yourself."  
  
"Now?" Kelly whispered meekly.  
  
Kathryn Janeway nodded and released Kelly from her arms.  
  
"Just remove your outer uniform Kelly."  
  
Kelly did so and as she stood in her grey tank-top and shorts, Kathryn look her up and down in utter shock. Every inch of Kelly's body was covered in cuts in varying stages of the healing process. Kathryn couldn't speak. She couldn't even think strait.  
  
She covered her face with her hands and sighed shakily, wiping a tear from her eye before Kelly could see it.  
  
"I'm sorry Captain Janeway," Kelly said sadly.  
  
"Sorry?" Kathryn replied. "I don't understand."  
  
"I shouldn't have said anything. This wasn't anyone else's problem, and now- "  
  
"And now I can help you dear. Hurting yourself is so- so dangerous."  
  
"I can't stop it- please, it's the only way-"  
  
"Well- we're going to find another way Kelly. You could kill yourself doing this. It may seem like I don't even know half of the people on this ship, but I know everyone's name, everyone's personality, and I've come to love this crew like a family. I'm not planning on losing you, or anyone else."  
  
"I understand Captain." Kelly smiled weakly.  
  
"Alright," Kathryn smiled as she handed Kelly her uniform back. "Do you mind if I take you to sickbay now?"  
  
"No- please come with me."  
  
The two headed out of the Captain's ready-room several minutes later, after Kelly had rearranged her uniform and washed her face, and together, they headed to sickbay. 


	2. The Attack

=/\= Chapter 2 =/\=  
  
(a/n: please excuse any spelling mistakes of "Voyager" words as I am not so obsessed as to search out the correct spellings. That is all. ^^)  
  
"Computer- initiate emergency medical hologram."  
  
A shimmering began and the Doctor materialized next to Kelly.  
  
"Please state the nature of the medical emergency," the Doctor requested automatically.  
  
"Hello Doctor," Captain Janeway said amiably.  
  
"Captain," the Doctor replied in surprise, "what seems to be the problem?"  
  
Captain Janeway looked expectantly at Kelly. The young woman nodded and began to remove her outer garments.  
  
"Ah-Ensign O'Malley," chuckled the Doctor in his slightly arrogant manner, "I see you've been attacked by that thorn bush in the hydroponics bay."  
  
"That will be quite enough Doctor." The Captain glared meaningfully at the hologram.  
  
"Sorry." The Doctor was all business now. "What happened Ensign O'Malley?"  
  
Kelly blanched again, but when she felt the Captain lay a reassuring hand on her arm, she found the courage to continue.  
  
"I did it to myself." It was easier to say now- and she knew that the Doctor would not be appalled as Captain Janeway had been.  
  
"Indeed," the Doctor muttered as he began scanning Kelly with a medical tri- corder. "Well, it's obvious, even with out any neurological scanning that you have some sort of disorder. Clinical depression perhaps- I'll have to run those scans to be sure."  
  
Kelly nodded numbly. No bloody wonder she felt so horrible all the time.  
  
Janeway's voice brought Kelly back to startling reality.  
  
"Kelly- I need to go back to the bridge. Will you be alright here without me for a while?"  
  
Kelly stared at the Captain for a second, concentrating on her eyes. She saw worry there.  
  
"Yes- I'll be fine." Kelly caught Kathryn's hand, trying to reassure her Captain that she was not planning on falling totally apart.  
  
"I'll be back to see you later." Turning to the Doctor, she said, "Doctor, keep me informed. I want to know the second you find anything out."  
  
"Yes, of course."  
  
The Doctor turned to Kelly and the young woman looked up.  
  
"I would like to begin the scans now. Please lay down on the bio-bed."  
  
"Whatever you say Doc-" Kelly replied as she did what the egotistical composition of light particles asked of her.  
  
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Kes sat beside Kelly as the young woman waited impatiently to find out what was wrong with her. She found the young Ocompa's presence very soothing-and that solace was just what she needed.  
  
"Kes-" Kelly began, "are you very close to Captain Janeway?"  
  
Kes mused for a moment and smiled. "Yes- I would say so. She's almost like a mother to me, and I love her very much. Why do you ask?"  
  
"Well- I just talked with her before coming here- actually she's the reason I'm here in the first place-" Kelly paused reflectively.  
  
"And?" Kes asked expectantly.  
  
"And she was so kind to me." Kelly was still a little bemused by everything.  
  
"Yes. Very few people on the crew realise what Captain Janeway is really like. Her soul is bright and strong, but she's very kind and loving, too."  
  
"I know that now, certainly," Kelly said quickly. "This afternoon- when she called me into her ready-room, well- if felt like the first time someone had cared about me in ages. And when I told her about my Gran, and how sick she was- oh I was so upset- and she hugged me, and held me while I cried. And then- when I showed her my scars, she- at least I think she was actually crying. Of course, she tried to hide it from me, but I saw that she was trying to wipe a tear away without me noticing."  
  
"I know what you mean Kelly," Kes said in her almost irritatingly soft voice, "Captain Janeway always seems so wise and solid to everyone and I think that if for one day she were allowed to drop all of the Starfleet protocols and regulations she would not have to hide her emotions from us. Sometimes, I feel very sad when I think of all she has to endure alone."  
  
Just then, the Doctor approached Kelly and Kes, who were sitting on one of the beds.  
  
"Well Miss O'Malley-you do indeed suffer from a form of clinical depression. It's quite serious and I'll need to begin your treatment immediately."  
  
"What kind of treatment?" Kelly asked warily.  
  
The Doctor didn't seem to notice her concern. "Regular hypo sprays of anti- depressants. They shouldn't have and side effects whatsoever."  
  
"Shouldn't?" Kelly croaked in alarm.  
  
"Well," the Doctor began practically, "everyone is different Miss O'Malley. You may experience very slight effects from the medication, or even none at all. In worst case- you could be deathly allergic and-"  
  
"Doctor!" Kes said sharply.  
  
"Uh- well." The Doctor cleared his throat humbly, "If you experience anything other than what you can deal with, I can remove you from the medication immediately."  
  
"Oh." Kelly was hardly comforted. I'm sure one can figure out why.  
  
In the momentary lapse of silence, the doors to sickbay whooshed open. Enter Captain Janeway.  
  
"Doctor- what have you found?" Kathryn asked as she moved to stand nearer to Kes and Kelly, almost in a gesture of protection.  
  
(a/n: is it just an uncanny coincidence that al three women's names begin with a 'k' here? ^^)  
  
"Ensign Kelly suffers from severe clinical depression. Normally such a case as this would entail a patient who is completely debilitated by her condition, but Kelly seems to be quite capable of hiding her condition almost entirely. That is of course, until something bothers her. I am going to place her on the anti-depressants right away."  
  
"I see. And what exactly do these 'anti-depressants' do, Doctor?" The Captain said all of this while circling her hand in the air in a gesture of obvious incomprehension.  
  
"Miss O'Malley's brain is chemically imbalanced. The anti-depressants will cause and equilibrium of all essential chemicals, thus, Miss O'Malley should be better able to deal with the stresses and problems in her life- and be able to stop hurting herself.  
  
"Should?" the Captain inquired suspiciously.  
  
Kes and Kelly giggled and the Doctor rolled his holographic eyes upward.  
  
"Is something funny?" Captain Janeway queried fondly of the two youthful women.  
  
Kes shook her head, failing to remove a grin from her impish little face.  
  
"Alright then," Janeway said as she turned to Kelly. "I'm going to relieve you of duty for the next few days to make sure that you don't suffer any strange side-effects from the medication the Doctor is putting you on. After that- we'll see what you feel up to- alright?"  
  
"Yes Captain."  
  
"Good." The Captain helped Kelly off of the bio-bed and they headed for the door.  
  
Just as the Captain and Kelly were about to leave sickbay, the Doctor spoke, and at some length.  
  
"Miss O'Malley- don't think for a moment that this will be a quick fix for anything. The levels of chemicals in your brain will take at least a month to even out on the meds. Even then, the medication alone cannot cure everything. I recommend a routine of regular exercise, and if possible, find someone that you can confide in. This person does not have to be a counsellor for them to be able to listen to you."  
  
The Captain took Kelly's hand, and squeezed it gently.  
  
"You?" Kelly whispered in surprise.  
  
Kathryn Janeway smiled her silent answer.  
  
Kelly returned that smile and as she did so, she felt a warmth in her heart that she had not felt since the day before she left her dying Gran on Earth.  
  
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Kathryn walked Kelly back to her quarters. As she was about to leave the young woman by herself, Kathryn felt the impulse to embrace her. She was barely more than a girl, this Kelly O'Malley, and the difficulties of being lost in space, so far from her grandmother had been so trying and painful for her- and Kathryn felt that it was partly her fault.  
  
She hugged Kelly, and then walked briskly away to seek some escape in her holo-novel.  
  
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Kelly had taken her first hypo-spray of the anti-depressants just before she retired to bed. Sighing heavily, she pulled back the sheets and crawled wearily into bed, tucking the blankets up around her chin.  
  
"Faith and Begorrah-" she began as she drifted off to sleep.  
  
=/\= =/\= =/\= =/\= =/\= =/\= =/\= =/\= =/\= =/\= =/\= =/\= =/\= =/\= =/\= =/\= =/\= =/\= =/\= =/\= =/\= =/\= =/\= =/\= Kelly O'Malley was having a strange dream. She was walking down the hall towards the turbo-lift that would take her to the bridge. She passed by many crew-members, but they were all grey and dulled and seemed not to notice her.  
  
As she entered the bridge, she saw on coloured being in the bleached void that appeared to be Voyager.  
  
The colour was blinding.  
  
Kelly screamed and the figure turned towards her, glaring in agonizing contrast.  
  
The figured raised a hand and tried to speak, but like his outline, his words were blurred.  
  
Kelly screamed again and launched herself at the figure, for the pain was so great that she would do anything to rid herself of it.  
  
The glaring figure stumbled back with a ear-splitting screech. Kelly landed on him with her knees and felt ribs crack and heard the air rush out of lungs on which she was sitting.  
  
Senselessly, frenziedly, she beat the head which she clasped into the hard floor of the bridge until she felt warm blood ooze over her tiny, white hands.  
  
The figure faded into monotony and Kelly could finally see who it was. With a cry of horror, Kelly fled back to her quarters in this dream world she inhabited.  
  
She washed her hands and then fell back into bed. 


	3. The Attempt

=/\= Chapter 3 =/\=  
  
"Janeway to O'Malley."  
  
Kelly smacked her comm-badge which lay on her bedside table. "Yes Captain?" replied the bleary-eyed ensign.  
  
"I'd like to see you in my ready-room. Now." The Captain's voice was coldly flat.  
  
Kelly shuddered as a stone slid to it's usual place in her more-than-used- to-trouble stomach.  
  
"On my way. O'Malley out."  
  
Kelly scrambled into her uniform, threw her hair into a hasty French-twist and walked rather briskly towards what she felt was going to be a very bad thing.  
  
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"Sit down Ensign."  
  
Kelly sat.  
  
"Four broken ribs, internal bleeding, punctured lung, sever concussion verging on brain damage- and the last thing he remembers seeing is your face."  
  
Kelly blanched. "It was a d-dream, I know it-"  
  
"I assure you O'Malley, this is VERY real." No of comfort from the previous day was in her voice.  
  
"But I didn't- I swear I didn't!" Kelly pleaded.  
  
"Save it O'Malley. I don't know how, or why- but you attacked Harry Kim."  
  
Kathryn averted her eyes as she saw the young woman's lower lip begin to quiver. There was nothing she could do now, except send Kelly to sickbay.  
  
Kelly covered her face with her hands and tried to remember the previous night. The more she thought about it, the less like a dream it seemed. But why, of all people- and how had then entire ship seemed so ghostlike? It was obvious that the Captain didn't believe her.  
  
Kelly turned away and took her long nails to her soft, white face. She would make herself pay.  
  
Pain came in sharp grazes and Kelly sunk further and further into that pain- anything to extinguish her guilt. All the guilt. Why was it always guilt? And anger?  
  
Kelly was angry at Captain Janeway, at Harry- she was even mad at her Gran for being so sick! But right now, it wasn't Harry sitting pompously behind her, and certainly not her Gran- Oh damn Kathryn Janeway and her high- horsed rule. Damn that woman and her fucking modus operandi!  
  
Kathryn Janeway only realised what Kelly was doing when she saw the blood spatter on the light grey coffee table.  
  
"Kelly- NO!" Kathryn cried sharply as she leapt from her chair and ran over to Kelly. She restrained the young woman's arms. "You don't believe me!" Kelly screeched as she wrenched herself from the Captain's death-grip on her wrists. "How could you even think that I would purposely attack Harry? He's my friend!"  
  
Kelly suddenly fled from the Captain's ready-room.  
  
Kathryn covered her eyes with one hand.  
  
"Dismissed," she sighed shakily.  
  
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Kelly ran past any number of surprised officers, knocking them out of the way, shoving her way through what seemed like hoards of them.  
  
She appeared in Sickbay several minutes later and ran over to where Harry lay on a bio-bed, sleeping. He looked perfectly fine now, but Kelly knew that that was only because the doctor had healed him. She could not bring herself to wake him, so instead, she left Sickbay quietly and took off towards the Holodecks, stopping briefly at her quarters to pick up a bag which sat beside her door and to deposit her comm-badge onto her table.  
  
She stepped inside Holodeck 2 and leaned against the cool metal wall.  
  
"Computer, run program O'Malley 2."  
  
The walls of the holodeck shimmered away to be replaced by large windows that opened up to face chalky cliffs onto which a blue ocean crashed. The now spacious floor was covered with beaten planks of wood, and gauzy red curtains danced in the sea breeze.  
  
Kelly O'Malley sighed with relief as she took in the familiar surroundings. She had done a miraculous job recreating her dance studio back home on Ireland.  
  
She changed into her black dance leotards and donned her green practice dress. As she slipped into her black soft-shoe pumps and laced them up she said, "Computer, play selection O'Malley 7."  
  
From nowhere, eerie music began to glide through the air, gaining pace as it progressed.  
  
Kelly leapt into dance.  
  
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As Kelly flew threw the air, twirling and kicking her legs higher and higher, she lost herself in the dance of her heritage. She was ignorant now of the blood that was still on her face, and the blood that would forever be on her hands. She threw all of her passion and pain into her movements, knowing she wouldn't dance like this again for a long time.  
  
Ten minutes later, the song ended, as Kelly took a final graceful leap through the air.  
  
A lone set of hands began slowly to clap.  
  
Kelly jerked her head up to see Captain Janeway applauding her.  
  
"Dammit!" Kelly swore to herself. A split second later, she was running through the grass of the rolling hills, silently cursing herself for forgetting to lock the holodeck. Janeway was truly the last person she wanted to see right now- she'd rather brave the Borg- and running seemed like a better plan than confronting the impertinent little woman who believed that she had meant to hurt Harry Kim. How Janeway could even begin to think that of her was just- just so stupid! And hurtful, and insulting, and cruel-  
  
Kelly was not a violent person by nature, and the only thing that had galvanized her into attacking Harry was that blinding light that he had been emitting. She hadn't even known it was Harry- for the love of the great blue sky!  
  
Kelly was just nearing the edge of one of the great white embankments that were the cliffs of her homeland when she ran strait into a metal wall.  
  
"Son-of-a-" she gasped as she fell backwards onto the hard metal floor of the holodeck, trying to regain all of the wind that had just been so rudely knocked out of her.  
  
Janeway was by her side in an instant, and she placed a telltale hand on Kelly's shoulder.  
  
"Don't you DARE touch me!" Kelly shrieked as she rolled away from the Captain.  
  
"Kelly-" the Captain began appealingly.  
  
"No! You stay away from me! You who takes me for a common cutthroat!" Kelly panted angrily for a moment and viciously whipped a stray hair from her eyes. "It's probably because I'm Irish, isn't it? My country's just not good enough for your American standards! I'm just slime to you, aren't I Captain." She hissed the word 'Captain' as though it left a vile taste in her mouth. "Let me tell you something- I would NEVER hurt anyone. It was an accident that I attacked Harry- I thought I was dreaming. Everything looked grey in that dream world I was in- and when I entered the bridge, all I could see was one blinding figure of light. The pain was so wretched I didn't know what else to do- so I lunged at the figure- I couldn't stop myself. I finally beat that figure unconscious- and suddenly, the light drained away and I saw Harry's face. As soon as I saw it was him- oh I was so horrified I thought I might be sick! When you called me to your ready-room this morning, I didn't know what I had done wrong. Your voice was so cold I could almost see you glaring at me. The coldness- it wasn't just your usual Starfleet persona- it was hateful. Never have I felt so loathed. So don't you come to me now- and dare to lay your wee hand on my shoulder as though you have all the right in the world to try and comfort me."  
  
Janeway was stunned. She'd just been accused of hating the little sprite that sat in front of her with her red hair hanging in a curtain across her face.  
  
"Cat got your tongue?" Kelly giggled fanatically. The Captain didn't answer. "Yes? Aww- poor little Katie, kitty's got your tongue and she's not giving it back. Poor, poor little Katie. Meow-" Kelly croaked as she lunged towards Janeway. The Captain flinched, but Kelly had stopped just short of her. "What's the matter Katie? Are we afraid of wee, vicious Kelly? Crazy little Kelly? It's alright Captain- I only hurt myself." Kelly pulled a knife out of her dance back, just a small knife, but the edge glinted hard and cold in the sterile light of the holodeck.  
  
Kelly slit her wrists. 


	4. All the pretty questions

=/\= Chapter 4 =/\=  
  
And then she slit her throat.  
  
And stabbed herself in the heart.  
  
It had all happened so quickly that Kathryn Janeway had barely begun to register what had just happened. She ran over to where Kelly lay, pooled in blood, and cradled the girl's head in her lap. Frantically, she scanned the ground for Kelly's comm badge, but it was gone. She ripped her own badge hastily off her chest and attached it to Kelly's soaking uniform.  
  
"Janeway to transporter room 1," she said, her voice thick with tears.  
  
"Captain?" came the startled reply.  
  
"Lock on to my comm badge and beam directly to sickbay- it's a medical emergency-"  
  
"Aye aye, Captain."  
  
Kelly suddenly shimmered away in a blue haze and Kathryn set off running. She careened breathlessly into sickbay just minutes later and pushed aside her tears and guilt and fear.  
  
"Doctor," she began hoarsely.  
  
"I don't know," he replied. "She's lost large quantities of blood and she has a puncture wound in her heart. Repairing that puncture is my top priority - if I don't, she may suffer permanent cardio damage and she'll die of insufficient blood flow and oxygen deprivation. However, if I neglect her other wounds, she'll bleed to death on the operating table."  
  
"Can't Kes us a dermal regenerator for the slashes as you repair her heart?" Kathryn pleaded. She was so close to tears. If only she could just collapse into someone's arms and sob- but she was the Captain. Hers were the only arms that she was permitted by protocol to have about her.  
  
The Doctor shook his head. "No. The wounds are deep. They'll need to be stitched shut and then fully repaired with the dermal regenerator after initial healing to remove scarring."  
  
"Doctor," began the Captain huskily as she advanced menacingly on the hologram. "If you don't do something, I'll decompile your program- one aspect at a time!"  
  
The Doctor calmly removed the Captains hands from his uniform. "Captain- you are verging on hysteria. Let me deal with this. I promise you that I will not let her die."  
  
Kathryn nodded bleakly and sat down on another of the beds, cradling her face in her hands.  
  
"Captain- I believe it would be best if-" began the Doctor, but he was quickly cut off.  
  
"I'm not leaving Doctor. I'll be quiet, and I won't bother you, but I'm NOT leaving."  
  
The Doctor wore a grim look of defeat but he said nothing more save this, "As you wish. But you do realise that this will be an open surgery."  
  
"I saw her try to kill herself, " Kathryn whispered quietly as she lowered her tearful gaze to the floor. "I think I can handle it."  
  
The Doctor nodded with all the respect his arrogant program could muster, and then he began his tedious undertaking.  
  
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Several hours later, Kelly O'Malley lay on the bio-bed. An artificial respirator was in place and it kept her chest rising and falling softly. Kathryn watched that repetitious movement with a mixture of relief and pain. She may not have physically attacked Kelly, but it was at her hands that all of this had come to pass. She knew that Kelly had not meant to attack Harry, and she hadn't meant to blame the girl at all. Kathryn suspected that Kelly's sudden attack on Harry had been a side-effect of the medication. But Kelly had apparently not seen it that way. No- she'd not seen it that way at all.  
  
Kathryn took the sickly young woman's hand and held it to her heart. She hadn't meant to frighten her, to seem as though she hated the girl. 'Never had she felt so loathed', she had said.  
  
"Oh Kathryn- what have you done?" she thought to herself.  
  
And as she tortured herself further, Kes came to stand by the Captain's side. She loved the Captain, and she could feel the unspeakable pain emanating from the woman's heart. Slowly and carefully, she wrapped her small arms around the Captain's waist and lay her fair head upon the Captain's shoulder.  
  
"Oh Kes," she moaned as she clung to the young Ocompa and began to weep.  
  
"Shush- it isn't your fault." Kes drew the older woman down and leaned against the wall, still holding Kathryn Janeway in her arms. Kes only wanted to help. That's all she ever wanted.  
  
"Oh, but it is," replied the Captain bitterly. "I drove her to this."  
  
"How do you mean?" asked Kes in confusion.  
  
Kathryn cringed. The young girl was so naive, so all-encompassingly believing.  
  
"She thought that I- that I believed that she had attacked Harry on purpose. She thought that I hated her. Oh Kes- do you know what it's like to have someone tell you what Kelly told me?" Kathryn laughed cynically. "No- of course not." Kes was too young, too kind for that. "Something like that makes you hate yourself, Kes, in a way that's so desperate, and so primal you can't think of anything else."  
  
Kes considered that and couldn't imagine that feeling. Her life on Voyager so far had been one full of love, and kindness. Neelix might get jealous now and then, but he always loved her- and Captain Janeway- Kes clung to the vision of the woman' smiling face.  
  
"Captain- do you understand what clinical depression does to someone?"  
  
Kathryn felt insulted. To Kes, one did not look, but one *felt*  
  
"Please, I wasn't meaning to be rude. It's just that you have to understand that Kelly was so terribly upset and confused because levels of chemicals in her brain are out of balance. She can't help but feel miserable all the time, and when she is confronted with a problem, one that isn't a warp breach, or a failing gel-pack, she sees that problem as so huge that it takes over her entire mind. She shrinks from it and tries to hide, and finally, that pain drives her to distraction. She has no way to deal with the pain because her mind can't function the way it's meant to. And so that pain manifests into self-abuse. At least she can feel those cuts and those stabs. That's why she hurt herself, and that's why she was so overwhelmed. She hate's herself so much right now that she would turn almost anything anyone said against her."  
  
Kes paused and took Kathryn's hand. "So you see, really, you can't blame yourself. Kelly needs help- yours, mine, everyone's. She needs support so she can finally stop hating herself, and hurting herself."  
  
Kathryn nodded and held onto Kes more tightly. She needed that much.  
  
"Thank you." Janeway kissed Kes on the top of her blond little head and stood once more to look at Kelly.  
  
"Has the Doctor found out what caused her reaction to the medication?" Kathryn asked.  
  
"No- but she's certainly going to be taken off of it. He has several other options for treatment, but they may not be as effective."  
  
"Well- as long as she's not randomly attacking the crew, I'm sure she won't mind." Kathryn smiled wanly at Kes.  
  
"Captain- you're tired. Why don't I take you to the messhall and have Neelix fix you something to eat?"  
  
Kathryn tore her reluctant gaze away from Kelly. "I really should be here when she wakes up-"  
  
"The Doctor will tell you when he sees signs of her regaining consciousness. It's not going to be for a while, and I'm not about to let you sit in here and starve."  
  
Kes stood purposefully, her child-like persona had drifted away for the moment, and Kathryn saw her as a friend. Moreover a friend that was going to make her eat something.  
  
"Alright Kes," Janeway caved. "Doctor-" she called, "I'm going to the messhall. Please inform me when Kelly begins to wake up."  
  
"Understood."  
  
Kathryn and Kes left sickbay and headed off towards the messhall. 


	5. Ceasefire

=/\= Chapter 5 =/\=  
  
"Doctor to Captain Janeway."  
  
Kathryn's hands shook as she set down her coffee cup, succeeding also in sloshing coffee all over the table. Kes took her hand.  
  
"Janeway here." Kathryn cursed herself. The damnable shaking was in her voice as well. How had one person affected her so deeply?  
  
"Kelly has begun to regain consciousness Captain."  
  
"Thank you Doctor." Kathryn smacked her comm-badge a little harder than was necessary and gulped audibly. "Well," she said as she looked to Kes and tilted her head dubiously, "I suppose that's my cue."  
  
"Captain-" began Kes tentatively.  
  
"Yes Kes?" Kathryn was almost glad of the distraction.  
  
"Are you- afraid?" Kes lowered her penetrating gaze slightly.  
  
Kathryn paused, and sighed. "Terrified."  
  
"Would you like me to come with you? I've spoken with Kelly and I might be able to offer both of you some support. I know this is very hard for you-"  
  
"Yes- it is," Kathryn interjected. She sighed regretfully. "I'm so used to dealing with the unfeasible- I can't seem to grasp this common illness. And her self-mutilation and- oh Kes," she caught her breath, forcing back tears like the brave woman she was, "her attempted suicide. I cannot understand how she could- I mean- she seemed to be able to carry out her duties immaculately- but as soon as one talked to her, you could tell something was off. There's a deadness in her- you can see it in her eyes, Kes."  
  
Kathryn was heartsick as she thought of Kelly.  
  
"The Doctor will find a way to help her Captain. She is having a reaction to the medication she is now- but there are several other options for treatment. She isn't a lost cause, Captain, but she's got quite a struggle ahead of her."  
  
"I know- and I hope she'll let me help her." Kathryn sounded nervous. "I'd best go to her now Kes- and thank you for your offer to accompany me. It was kind-"  
  
"But you'd rather speak with her alone. It's alright Captain, I understand."  
  
Kes always understood.  
  
Kathryn smiled gratefully and squeezed Kes' arm. She then took a deep breath and walked purposefully towards sickbay.  
  
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Kathryn strode into sickbay and the Doctor spoke. "She's just about to wake up Captain. You may sit next to her if you wish."  
  
Janeway smiled. The Doctor's suggestion was much more and encouragement. Kathryn did as the Doctor said and took Kelly's hand as she sat on a stool beside the bio-bed.  
  
Several seconds later, Kelly moaned and slowly pried her eyes open. Everything hurt- a clear sign that she was, in fact, very much alive. Her limbs felt like dead weights at her sides and as she tried to wiggle her fingers she felt some small resistance. Someone was holding her hand. Painfully, she turned her head to her side and found Captain Janeway there.  
  
"Dia dhuit-" Kelly murmured. She tried to squeeze the Captain's hand back, but she wasn't sure if she had even moved at all.  
  
Kathryn smiled warmly in relief and stroked Kelly's hand with her own.  
  
"How are you feeling?" Kathryn was trying not to sound stupid. She figured that it wasn't working.  
  
Kelly coiled up her eyebrows into a frown. "Like I screwed up again."  
  
Kathryn cringed at the mordant remark.  
  
"I can't even commit suicide properly Captain. I mean, honestly- my wrists, my neck and my heart! And the Doctor still manages to save my worthless life."  
  
"Oh Kelly- you can't mean that-" Kathryn began sadly.  
  
"Yes- as a matter of fact I can. I can't take the guilt anymore. First, I leave my Gran alone on Earth to die, and then, I attack Harry for no reason whatsoever- and now everyone believes that I did it on purpose."  
  
"No we don't Kelly. The Doctor has already confirmed that your attack on Harry was brought on by a reaction to the medication he had placed you on. I don't believe for a second that you meant to hurt Harry." Kathryn turned Kelly's hand over to examine the girl's wrist. The evidence of what she had done to herself was barely visible. If only the emotional scars could be healed to easily, so seamlessly.  
  
"Will you let me help you Kelly?" It was a simple question- but it caused Kelly to re-evaluate her opinion of Captain Janeway. The Captain wasn't angry with her, even after her outbursts. Perhaps she should give Janeway another chance. If what she said about Harry was all true- then she really didn't have anything to worry about.  
  
"Captain," began Kelly slowly, "if you want to get involved in this mess I've created- more power to you."  
  
"I'll take that as a yes then, shall I?" Kathryn smiled and bent to kiss the young woman on the forehead and then walked over to the Doctor's office.  
  
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"Doctor- have you noticed that Kelly doesn't act like, well, a suicidal person?"  
  
*That came out really 'well'*  
  
"Indeed. She's a strong woman Captain. What are you getting at?" The Doctor raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Well- what's going to happen to her now? I obviously can't let her go back to work in her condition, but I'm not about to confine her to sickbay against her will." Kathryn paused. "Have you found a different medication for her yet?"  
  
"Yes. The medication I've selected for Ensign O'Malley is slightly different, and will require more work on her part- but it will definitely help her."  
  
Kathryn nodded. Finally, some good news. "And have you found out what caused her reaction to the first medication?"  
  
"Yes. She has a rare allergy to one of the components of the medication. The allergy causes reactions such as hallucinations."  
  
"I see. Well, Doctor, this has been good to hear, but I must return to the bridge. Please notify me if anything changes."  
  
"Yes Ma'am."  
  
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It had been three and a half weeks since Kelly O'Malley's attempted suicide. The new medication the Doctor had put her on had begun to take affect, and she wasn't allergic to it- which is always nice, too.  
  
Captain Janeway had been visiting her daily and as time wore on, as time has habit of doing, Kelly begun to depend on the Captain more every day. Kelly also formed a strong friendship with Kes. It was good for her to have a friend who was as young as she was that she could confided in. Captain Janeway was important, but she was still the Captain and certain protocols still applied. Kelly could observe those protocols when she was upset and go to Kes instead.  
  
Now, on the afternoon that she due to leave sickbay, Kelly needed Kes and Captain Janeway more than ever.  
  
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Kathryn and Kes were walking Kelly back to her quarters when they suddenly stopped in front of one of the Holodecks.  
  
"Uh- Kes, Captain- have you both forgotten where my quarters are?" Kelly wasn't stupid. She knew something screwy was going on. Humouring was one of her best traits.  
  
"Really?" Kathryn asked innocently. She knew that Kelly knew- and Kelly knew that Captain Janeway knew that she knew. And Kes-  
  
(a/n: .sorry.too much Vanilla Coke running through the old veins. ^^ *hiccoughs*)  
  
"Yes- are you sure these aren't your quarters?" Kes was definitely better at feigning innocence than the Captain was.  
  
"Well," began Kelly mirthfully, "if you're both so sure that this is where I live, perhaps we'd better go in a check?"  
  
Kathryn smiled a dishonest grin and opened the doors to the holodeck. Lights immediately flickered on out of the candlelit darkness.  
  
"SURPRISE!"  
  
The entire bridge crew, half of engineering, and various other officers who weren't on duty stood under a banner that read "Welcome Back O'Malley," smiling encouragingly. The setting of the party was a well-known tavern in Dublin, complete with musicians and slightly drunken priests. Temperance was not a virtue in Ireland.  
  
Kelly raised a hand to her mouth in mock astonishment and smiled lopsidedly while shooting Captain Janeway a knowing look. "What a surprise!" she said happily.  
  
Kathryn laughed. Oh how she loved the silly little sprite!  
  
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Kelly's surprise party progressed happily, and at 2100 hours, everyone left the holodeck to either report for duty, or to fall into bed. As the crew meandered out, Kelly found Harry and caught him by the arm.  
  
"Harry-" she began plaintively.  
  
"Don't worry about it O'Malley. S'okay, really."  
  
Kelly nodded and Harry flashed her a friendly smile. Everything was alright again.  
  
Kelly retired to her quarters after thanking the Captain and Kes profusely. She was finally going to be okay.  
  
As she jumped into bed and told the computer to dim the lights, she said her evening prayer.  
  
"Dear Father in heaven, please watch over my Gran- and make sure that somehow, if she is still alive that she knows I love her with all my heart. And thank you for sending my Captain Janeway and Kes. I love them both, and I know that they don't exist purely to help me, but the light they share brightens my life, and now, after all I've been though, I need that light. Amen." 


	6. Coda

=/\= Coda =/\=  
  
"What do you mean flap?" Kathryn demanded breathlessly. The sea air whipped her auburn hair out of her bun and around her head.  
  
"You know," Kelly replied mirthfully, "Flap your foot against the floor and make two sounds at once with the tap."  
  
Kathryn proceed to attack the floor with a well-replicated Irish hard-shoe and Kelly couldn't help but giggle. Kathryn glared at her jokingly. "I'm just kicking the floor, aren't I?" she asked pitifully.  
  
"You said it- I didn't," Kelly laughed. "Try to loosen your leg up- and concentrate. It's just like a shuffle, but don't bring your foot back."  
  
"Right."  
  
Kathryn tried again and succeeded.  
  
"Great. Now that you've got that part, just add a wee stomp with your other foot and that'll end the dance."  
  
"Really?" Kathryn asked suspiciously. Kelly had already jammed a five minute dance into the her head- she wasn't sure that the little Cathleen was telling the entire truth.  
  
"Really Aintín," Kelly said truthfully. Kelly had taken to calling Kathryn Aintín off duty. It was Gaelic for "aunty" and Kathryn was touched by the nickname that was given to her. "Do you want to try the whole thing with the music?"  
  
Kathryn raised and eyebrow dubiously.  
  
"I'm serious," replied Kelly to the Captain's face. "You've learned the entire thing, there's no point in beating around the proverbial bush, is there?"  
  
"No," sighed Kathryn, "I suppose there isn't. Let's have it then, Computer- play selection O'Malley 9."  
  
The selection played and Kelly and Kathryn sparked into dance, their taps hitting the floor in unison only begotten by practice and trust. As they twirled and tapped and jumped in the air, the red curtains of the studio flew in the breeze- and Kelly's heart soared higher than the clouds that whisked across the azure sky.  
  
The song ended, Kathryn flapped and stomped and then fell laughing to the floor. Kelly joined her there.  
  
"Well, Aintín. You've learned one. I've thousands more to teach you!" Kelly wrapped her arm fondly around her surrogate aunt's shoulders.  
  
Kathryn sighed theatrically and fell completely backwards onto the beaten wood floor of the studio. Kelly laughed and lay her head against 'Aintín's' shoulder.  
  
"I love you Aintín," she said simply.  
  
Kathryn smiled to herself.  
  
"I love you too."  
  
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~Author's Notice:  
  
Well guys- that's the end of my first ever Voyager fic. I hope you all enjoyed it and weren't overly offended by it's extremely fluffy nature.  
  
Clinical depression is a real illness, which I suffer from, and I know all too well the pains of self-mutilation. I found that while writing this story, I was reminded of my friend Anne. She's no Starfleet Captain, but dammit (sorry, still in Janeway mode) she's a wonderful friend. She helped my through my own little breakdown and I thank her for it.  
  
Anywhoozis,  
  
~PoL ^^ 


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